Emmett Cullen: Wedding Planner, One Shot
by Forever without him
Summary: Emmett plans Bella and Edward's wedding and hijinks ensue... 'Nuff said. Rated T for language. "You know the type of guy that everyone gets pissed at for being such a lovable goof? Yeah, that’s me."
1. Phase 1: I am a genius

**Emmett Cullen: Wedding Planner (Two part one-shot)**

**Phase 1: I am a genius**

You know the type of guy that everyone gets pissed at for being such a lovable goof? Yeah, that's me. I apparently have no self control…which sucks since I'm a creature of the night. Well…I can't even say creature of the night, because I go out during the day, too. Although I do tend to avoid going out in the sunlight. Not because I'll explode or anything. Hell, sometimes I _wish_ my body reacted that cool to sunlight. But instead of some freaking awesome explosion - daylight causes me to sparkle…

Yes…I frickin _sparkle_ in the sunlight_._ Some days I want to kick my own glittery ass. Although, it does have its advantages. Chicks apparently dig sparkly shit. One day I was spending time with my family and some of our friends from Alaska. We were hanging out in the house and my friend Kate was kicking my ass at Chinese Checkers when I saw the sun come drifting in one of our windows.

"Let's go outside," my sister, Alice suggested.

"Excellent idea." I grinned. That way I didn't have to lose to a girl.

"Don't get any ideas, Emmett." Kate shook her head. "We're finishing this game when we're done outside."

_Crap. _Women never forgot anything, and they never let you live it down if they beat you at something.

We bounded out into the trees and chased one another for a while. We came to a clearing and everyone stopped. No one wanted to risk exposure. Everyone was afraid to walk into the sunlight...everyone but me.

"Check this out." I'd stripped out of my shirt and walked out into the sun. "That's right. I totally sparkle…"

My brothers Edward and Jasper just rolled their eyes while Kate and her sister Tanya marveled at my manly muscles. One person was not impressed.

"We all sparkle you idiot." Rosalie, my beautiful babe piped in. That's the day that I knew I was going to marry that woman. Rosalie gave me hell…and I loved her for it. She never let me get away with anything. She wasn't afraid to challenge me…and that made her sexy as sin. And I was reminded of how lucky I was each time we got married. That's right, we've been 'married' six times to date. We do it mostly for show for the humans around us. Every decade or so we move on to a new place, and after a few years I ask her to marry me in some hokey way. The last time I'd gotten down on one knee and given her a ten carat diamond and asked her to be mine.

Her response?

"I don't need the diamond. You sparkle, remember?"

Sometimes I think my wife only married me because I looked like a damn walking jewelry store add in the sunlight. But she said yes to me every time I asked her, so she must love me…or diamonds a lot.

By the sixth time we got married I had the whole speech memorized. I really could have just married us ourselves if I wanted to. I toyed with the idea of becoming an ordained minister so I could surprise Rosalie in twenty years and marry us myself. Fortunately for me a wind of good luck came my way. Good luck named Bella Swan. After a tense "will-they or won't they, oh I can't live without you" plot, Bella got engaged to Edward.

Bella wasn't like the rest of us. Not only was she a human, but she was fiercely annoying when it came to anything relating to her wedding. She drove Edward crazy with her requests that the wedding be some modern day 'court-house two witness minimum affair.' Edward countered and played on her guilt factor and told her that she owed it to her parents to do it the right way. Edward usually didn't wear the pants in their relationship, but he got to her with his "What about your mommy and daddy?" comments. Bella finally gave in and told him that they could have a real wedding. But the kicker is that she didn't really want anything to do with the planning.

Enter me and my brilliant plan.

"So, what brings you to see me today, Bella?" I asked as my klutzy sister-to-be meekly entered my room. I kicked some of my underwear out of view and cleared my throat.

"I just need a place to hide from Alice and Rosalie. They're going crazy with this 'wedding planner' stuff." Bella sat down on my kick-ass beanbag chair.

"You really aren't like other girls, you know that?" I asked. "Most chicks are all into that dress-up and paint your face kind of crap."

"It's not that I'm not into it. It's just that I'm not into the whole 'wedding' theme," she admitted.

"What do you have against weddings?"

"I'm a product of a divorced household." She gave me an odd look.

"And that is somehow the wedding's fault?"

"Well, no…I guess not. But…"

"Look, just loosen up. If you wanna fit in in this family you've got to learn how to go with the flow." I shoved her playfully.

"I suppose you're right." She smiled.

"I'm the smart one in the family." I tapped my head with a smile.

"I find that hard to believe." She furrowed her brow. She relaxed her face and laughed softly. "So Edward tells me that you're in the running for best man."

"That bastard hasn't decided yet?" I growled. "For the love of God…Jasper barely says two words a day. How in the hell could he give a speech in front of a bunch of people?"

"There's also Carlisle." Bella reminded me that the "best man" title was a three way tie at the moment.

Carlisle _was_ good at that kind of thing. I couldn't be mad that he was better at being likable than me.

"Just between us?" Bella lowered her voice. "I kind of hope he picks you."

"Really?"

She nodded. "I'm really nervous about this whole thing and I know you'll make it…memorable."

"Damn skippy." I tussled her hair.

"Bella! There you are!" Alice came running in the room. "We've been looking all over for you! Come on. Rose and I are taking you into town to try on wedding dresses!"

Before Bella could object Alice had her on her feet and was pulling her towards the door. I think she mouthed "save me" as Alice dragged her out of the room.

"Go easy on her, Alice!" I exclaimed after them.

So, Bella wanted the wedding to be memorable. And I wanted to practice my marriage skills before surprising Rosalie in twenty years. It didn't take a genius to figure out what I needed to do…although it did take me several hours to piece together the puzzle.

The next day I started researching some stuff online.

"You've been sitting in front of that thing all day. You're going to rot your brain." Rosalie walked into the room.

"Brain's been rotting for years, dear," I responded. "Besides…I can probably just buy a new one on Ebay."

"What are you doing?" she questioned curiously.

"Getting a degree online. I love technology." I beamed. "Did you know that people can grocery shop online?"

"Why would we need groceries?" Rosalie frowned.

I faced her seriously.

"You aren't at all curious as to what degree I'm currently obtaining?"

"Do they have clown college courses online nowadays?" Rosalie snorted as she walked out of the room.

I went back to my computer only to be interrupted again.

"She may not be curious, but I want to know why you're getting a degree in ministry." Edward came slinking out of the shadows.

"I'm going to put a bell around your neck." His presence surprised me.

"Emmett, what are you up to?" he asked.

Normally he just read my mind when he wanted to know what I was up to. But I was replaying last night's game in my head to keep my thoughts about his wedding a surprise.

_Third and down…_

"Emmett…" Edward frowned.

_Score seventeen to seventeen in the forth quarter…_

"Don't toy with me…"

_Fifty three seconds left on the clock…_

"I mean it…"

_There's the snap…he passes…_

"You have three seconds to start talking."

_Not now, Edward. I'm watching the game._

"Spoiler alert: your team lost…and you owe me fifty bucks."

"You're mean." I frowned. "And did you seriously just say 'spoiler alert?' You lose twenty cool points for that. Of course you didn't have any to begin with so now you're at negative twenty."

"You can do math? I'm surprised." Edward replied coolly.

I lost my concentration and some details about Edward's and Bella's wedding slipped into my head.

"Wait, that's what you're up to? _You_ want to marry us?"

Instead of screaming at me in anger, my brother was laughing hysterically at me.

"You're not pissed?"

"No. I think it's hilarious."

"Hey, it was your idea." I tried a last ditch effort in order to take the blame off of me.

A while back he'd told Bella that I was becoming an ordained minister for their wedding. She hadn't reacted well. But I found it amusing.

"You do realize that I was joking when I said that, don't you?" he asked.

"You? Telling a joke? That's a laugh!" I shoved Edward playfully. "You do realize that you're not the funny one in the family?"

"I didn't mean for you to actually go through with it."

_Wasn't ALL your idea, bro._ I admitted in thought. I tapped my head and let him in on my plan for Rosalie in twenty years. _Ulterior motive. I'm planning ahead._

"Wow, that's actually kind of sweet and thoughtful." Edward smiled. "Who are you, and what have you done with my brother?"

"Still not the funny one in the family." I reminded him. "Look, consider this my wedding gift to the two of you. You just take care of the bride. I'll handle the rest."

"It's not going to happen, Emmett." Edward was his serious uptight ass again.

"Too late." I grinned. The flashing screen in front of me was congratulating me on becoming an ordained minister. I grinned. "I've already got the whole thing planned out."

I stood up and dashed out of the room. Edward followed me.

"What do you mean _planned out_?" he asked.

"You'll find out at the wedding. Later, dude." I ran out the door.

He followed me for a while. I lost him after making a few unexpected turns. A few minutes later my phone started jingling the "Piano Man" ringtone I had set for Edward.

"Yes?" I answered.

"Here's a tip. When you're running away…don't take your phone with you." I could actually hear Edward rolling his eyes at me.

"But then how am I supposed to make prank phone calls?" I asked.

"Come home," Edward said calmly.

"No. I don't think I will." I shook my head.

"Why not?"

"I want to enjoy the beauty of mother nature for a few days." I snickered.

"Emmett, you're avoiding me!" Edward grumbled angrily into the phone.

"Woooow. You're smart," I said sarcastically.

"If you won't come home then I'll just have Alice tell me what you're planning."

"Good luck with that. See ya at the wedding." I hung up.

I smirked. I already had a plan in motion so Alice couldn't tell what I was going to do. I knew that Bella would love this whole thing. She wanted something memorable…

I got a phone call three minutes later. From the "I Wanna Be Sedated" ringtone I knew that it was my tiny angry sister this time.

"Hello?" I answered.

"What are you up to, Emmett?" Alice asked suspiciously. "Why can't I see the wedding?"

"I dunno. Maybe you're broken." I chuckled. "Do they have crystal ball repair shops?"

"If you do anything to ruin this day for Bella, so help me, I'll…"

"You'll what? Punch me in the ankles?"

"Don't make me angry…"

"Cuz I wouldn't like you when you're angry, right?"

I couldn't help but quote The Incredible Hulk. I almost doubled over in laughter thinking of Alice growing three sizes and turning green.

"EMMETT!" she screamed.

"Uh…gotta go." I hung up.

I was almost to my destination. I stopped at a clearing near the Quileute border and scanned the horizon for werewolves. As luck would have it I spotted just who I was looking for.

"Seth!" I exclaimed. "Hey! Over here!"

The sandy colored wolf trotted towards me. Seth was the only one of the wolves I could really stand. He was a cool guy. The rest of them were douches and assholes.

Seth phased and pulled on his sweats.

"Hey, Emmett. What are you doing out here?" Seth questioned.

"This is going to sound weird, but can I borrow you for a little while?" I grinned.

"For what?" he asked unsurely.

I divulged my plan to Seth and he was quick to agree to help me.

"Bella is going to have a wedding she'll never forget!" Seth exclaimed, excited to be part of the plan.

"Yeah, I couldn't get her what I know she wants the most for a present…so I went with fun and games instead," I said.

"What does she really want?" He cocked his head.

"That runaway dog of yours. I knew we should've had him microchipped." I shook my head.

I wasn't a big fan of Jacob Black. He was annoying, arrogant, pushy, rude, and immature. Basically he was just like me…minus the cool factor. But he was Bella's friend and I could see how much she missed the mangy mutt. She wanted him around when she got married…and as much as I didn't like the guy I understand why he ran. Asking a guy who has the hots for you to your wedding is like a giant kick in the crotch.

"She really wants to see Jake, doesn't she?" Seth asked sadly. A look of determination came across his face. "Well, I'll work on that. I know he's running somewhere in Canada. He won't talk to anyone, but if I hound him enough…"

Seth looked at me and saw that I was giggling. He sighed.

"You're laughing because I said 'hound' and I'm a dog, aren't you?"

I nodded and let my laughter out.

"I'll talk to him." Seth shrugged. He looked around. "So, what do we do now?"

"Well, I can't go home because Edward will just read my thoughts. The wedding is in three days. So I guess we're camping out for a while."

I was in the middle of thinking out the rest of my plan when I heard cussing from the woods. Seth and I watched as his older sister came into the clearing running her fingers through her hair and stomping angrily.

"Seth, what did I tell you about hanging out with vampires?" she asked with a snotty attitude.

"Go home, Leah." Seth rolled his eyes. "This is between me and Emmett."

"What exactly is between you and Em…that thing?" she sized me up.

I puckered my lips and made a kissy face as a joke. She leaned back in disgust.

"It's for Bella. Emmett is working on something for her wedding, and I'm going to help him. And I'm sure Sam will be pissed…"

"I'm in." Leah quickly jumped at the chance to piss off her ex-boyfriend and alpha. "What do you need, leech?"

Damn, I'd underestimated her hatred for that Dog Whisperer ex she had.

"I just need you guys to keep my family off my back for the next three days. Edward already wants to ream me out and Alice is ready to tear my head off."

"You need protection from your sister?" Seth snorted. Leah smacked him in the head and he rubbed the tender spot. "Ow…"

"He _should_ be afraid of his sister," Leah said.

I took a moment to thank my lucky stars that Leah wasn't _my_ sister.

"Anyway…" I continued. "I got ordained as a minister for their wedding and I've got a few other things planned. But I don't want Edward interfering in those plans. And he's got Alice on his side…which makes doing anything surprising very difficult. But when you lovely dogs come into the picture she can't see anything. So I just need you to hang out and cloud her visions so she can't report back to Edward about what I've got planned."

"I was not aware that people like _you_ could get ordained." Leah scoffed.

"People like me? Oh, you mean stunning and sexy?"

"You know what I meant, bloodsucker."

"I find that offensive." I frowned jokingly.

"Whatever. I'm gonna run some perimeters. If I see your big bad sister I'll let out a howl." Leah snickered darkly as she ran off into the woods again.

"You live with her?" I asked Seth.

"Since I was born."

"Wow. I'm so sorry. And I thought Alice was bad."

Seth chuckled. I figured he'd be pretty fun to hang out with. And I was right. He even helped with some plans for the wedding. I kept wondering how long it was going to take someone in my family to find me. Honestly I was in no hurry, because the longer it took them to find me, the longer I had to plan the wedding that I'm sure would go down in history as the most unforgettable wedding ever...


	2. Phase 2: Who needs a chapel?

**Phase 2: Who needs a chapel?**

Without her visions it took Alice twenty-four hours to nail down my location. Of course when Alice is on your trail...you don't stand a chance. She was relentless and knew no bounds when it came to her search and destroy missions. She was like a rabid bloodhound.

At first I wasn't sure that it was her. Seth and I were talking about what Edward's and Bella's first dance should be. I laughed hysterically when the soft-hearted kid suggested "Endless Love" for the spotlight dance. My laughter was abruptly cut to an end when we heard a warning howl.

"That's Leah." Seth kicked his pants off. "Give me a second to find out what's going on." He quickly phased.

I watched as Seth paced the ground. He whimpered nervously. Something was wrong.

"Stop crying like a baby." Leah came through the trees. "I'm fine."

Seth phased back and put on his sweats.

"You didn't answer me. You freaked me out." Seth admitted. He muttered something about her probably doing it on purpose, which I didn't doubt.

"I didn't answer you because I couldn't hear you, genius," she said. She faced me. "Your sister is heading this way. She'll probably be here in about sixty seconds."

"You let her through, didn't you?" I frowned.

"As tempting as it is for me to want to take the credit and laugh at you while I see you get your ass kicked by someone half your size...she snuck through on her own." Leah laughed.

"Damn it, Emmett!" Alice yelled as she came into view. "No fair using Seth!" She came running at me angrily.

Leah phased and leaped in front of me protectively.

"Ha! I've got guard dogs." I grinned at Alice.

"Don't flatter yourself. She's just keeping me away from her brother," Alice growled.

Leah nodded her head in agreement.

"Oh, for crying out loud," Seth muttered. "Leah, I can handle myself. Alice is cool. Go chase a parked car or something."

Leah growled at him, but backed off. He faced Alice and put his hands up submissively.

"Alice, I know you're freaking out…"

Seth tried to work his boyish charm on my sister. He had that thing down pat. The kid was gifted. He had little Labrador eyes that no one could ignore. And the little pup knew exactly how to use them.

"I would feel a lot better if you told me that my moron of a brother is not planning on ruining Bella's wedding," Alice hissed.

"He's not. I swear," Seth reassured her.

He smiled his friendly little smile. All that was missing was him wagging his happy tail. Lucky for us Alice bought the act without the tail.

She sighed and then very calmly said, "In that case…come home. Rosalie is seething."

"Can't. Edward won't stay out of my head." I shook my head.

"Edward went hunting with Carlisle. He'll be gone for the next twenty-four hours. And when he comes back he's going straight to Bella," Alice said.

After two seconds of thought and consideration I decided that going home wasn't such a bad idea. It beat staring at rocks and trees all day and night. I didn't really want to travel very far by myself. That would be boring. And Seth's ruler…I mean…alpha had him on a pretty tight leash. Plus I missed my video games.

"Okay." I agreed. "On one condition."

I looked over at Seth. I still didn't want Alice to be able to see the future. Leah snapped angrily at me. She knew what I was thinking.

"You wanna come hang at the mansion, Seth?"

"Sure." He shrugged.

His sister growled at him, but he ignored her.

"Good." Alice smiled. "I'll tell Esme you'll be home shortly." She nodded and then whisked away.

I heard some rustling in the trees and Leah let out a soft snarl. For a second I thought that Alice had lied about Edward being gone. But I got one whiff of the scent and realized very quickly that I was worried about the wrong brother following Alice out here.

"Jazz, stop hiding in the trees watching me like a predator on the prowl. I can take you, you know."

Jasper inched forward quietly.

"You wish."

We both laughed. I glanced at his dressy clothing.

"Why are you running around in a tuxedo?" I asked.

"Alice made me go shopping today. The seams are a little uncomfortable so I'm wearing them in." Jasper shrugged. "What have you been up to? You've been ignoring my calls."

"You sound like a chick when you say that." I laughed.

"It's been boring and quiet at the house without you there."

"Well, I _am_ the life of the party." I chuckled. "Have I missed anything good?"

He let out a sly grin.

"I made Edward cry at a commercial yesterday."

"That's hilarious! Why did you do it?"

"Because I was bored."

"Right." I suddenly remembered that I still had a wedding to plan…and I didn't want anyone in on it. "Well, I'll meet ya at home."

I lunged forward into the trees. Seth followed on all fours. Jasper was quick to catch up to us.

"I get why you're avoiding Edward," Jasper said. "But why are you ignoring me as well?"

"Because Edward will just use you to get to me. Sorry, dude. This wedding is top secret. If I want Edward outta my head that means any and all parties to my brain have to stay in the dark." I snorted. "You should be thankful. My head's a scary place, anyway."

My brilliant mind was working a million miles a minute. This was going to be the best damn wedding ever planned.

However, when I got home I discovered that it was going to be happening sooner than expected. When I got into the house I found Bella in the living room in her wedding dress.

"Is this some kind of a prank?" I questioned.

"If you insist on marrying us, then I insist on the time and place." Bella grinned.

"But Edward's not even here. He's…"

"How many times have I told you to never trust Alice?" Edward came into the living room in a tuxedo. "I imagine you've finished your planning?"

I didn't have to answer out loud. He heard it in my thoughts.

"Good. Well, Em…what are you waiting for?" Edward stood next to Bella. "Marry us."

"Are you serious? We're really doing this right now?"

"It's what Bella wants." Edward kissed his wife-to-be on the top of her head.

"Okay." I shrugged. "Where is everyone? Let's get the party started." I looked around the room and saw Jasper and Seth behind me.

"Girls…" Edward looked up the stairs.

Alice and Rosalie came gliding down the stairs all dressed up. I nearly lost my train of thought when I saw Rosalie all sexified. All I could think about was getting the dress _off_ of her.

"Focus, Emmett." Rosalie kissed me with a wink. "We can play 'newlyweds' later."

_Hell, yes!_

I glanced at Alice. How had she gotten changed so fast? My little sister could change in record time. I guess decades of shopping was good for something.

"Where are Carlisle and Esme?"

"They are out making preparations for the _actual_ wedding," Edward explained. He saw my perplexed look. "This one is just so you can get your kicks. Everyone gets what they want this way."

"You do realize that it is binding and legal, right?" I asked.

"And that's exactly why I want to do this now. If you marry us now it will take the pressure off when Angela's dad does it for everyone in town to see," Bella said quietly.

This was so insane that it actually made sense to me. I glanced at my brothers. The sly bastards. Not even I could have come up with a scheme this incredible.

It didn't take us long to set up. I put Seth in charge of the music. It wasn't too difficult to find everything I needed. Over the years we had acquired quite an extensive collection of different genres of music.

I stood at the makeshift alter in front of Edward, and everyone took their places. Jasper held the rings while Alice squealed in excitement next to where Bella would be standing. Rosalie stood calmly next to Alice with a bored look on her face. God, she was so hot.

"Are we ready to start?" Alice bounced happily.

I nodded at Seth to give Bella her cue. Seth hit the play button as Bella entered the living room. The Star Wars "Imperial March" came on instead of the traditional wedding march.

"Really, Em?" Edward cocked an eyebrow at me.

"Hey, she's coming to the dark side." I shrugged.

Bella blushed and then giggled. She chuckled as she walked down the aisle. When she stopped she looked at Edward with a smile.

"Ahh, puppy love," I sighed jokingly.

I cleared my throat and got ready to marry the hell out of Edward and Bella.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here…" I paused in thought.

Edward furrowed his brow.

"Uh…uh…" _Crap. I forgot the rest._

My brother glared angrily at me. I grinned nervously.

"Um…line?" After a moment, I let a smile form on my face and winked at Edward. _Lighten up. I'm just kidding._ "We are gathered here today to join in matrimony…" I glanced at Bella. "What's your name again, sweetheart? Betty? Bitsy? Bunny?"

"Yes. My name is Bunny." Bella tried to contain her laughter. "Bunny Swallows."

I doubled over in laughter.

"Oh, that is so much better than the name I came up with for you."

Booberella Swan took second place to Bunny Swallows.

_You're marrying a porn star._ I winked at Edward. "We are gathered here today to join in matrimony Bunny Swallows and Elephantdick Cullenlicker." _You'll thank me for that nickname later._

"Emmett, get on with it." Edward glared at me.

"Do you Bella take Edward to be your husband? In perfect health…cuz we're vampires and we never get sick? For better or for worse? And I mean…suicide by the Volturi worse?" I shoved Edward playfully. He glared at me. "Will you promise to love him whether he's happy or in one of his Debbie downer moods? Do you swear to love him whether he's good or evil? Rich or poor? Democrat or republican? Do you Bella Swan take this man-pire to cuddle even when it's cold outside? And will you love him even though his taste in music blows? Do you promise to love him even if he loses his perfect hair?"

"Why would I lose…" Edward started to question.

_ Because I shaved it off in a prank gone awry?_ I answered in thought.

"Sounds like something you'd do," Edward mumbled as he nodded his head.

"Do you Bella Swan take my idiot brother as your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do." She grinned at me and then looked eagerly at Edward.

"And do you Edward Cullen take Bella Swan as your lawfully wedded wife? To have and to hold…like you don't already…" I rolled my eyes. "Do you promise to protect her from herself? Do you promise to catch her when she falls…on a daily basis…" I winked at Bella. "Do you promise to love her when she brings home stray dogs?" I glanced at Seth. He didn't look at all offended...or maybe he just didn't get it. "Do you swear to adore her even if she turns to you all the time and grins at you while asking you, 'what are you thinking about?' Do you promise to love her during football season when she wants to cuddle instead of watching the game? Do you promise to cherish her even when she's nagging you…"

The look on his face said, "I already do…"

"Do you swear to love her even if she turns into a crazy ball of estrogen and emotions?"

"What do you mean _turns into_?" Rosalie muttered so that only the supernatural in the room could hear her.

Edward snapped his head towards her and gave her an evil glare.

_Down, boy._ I ordered in thought.

"Edward Cullen do you swear to stop being such a mopey depressed psycho and take Bella Swan as your lawfully wedded wife?"

"I do." Edward held Bella's hands in his.

"Do you both promise to love one another with all of your heart? Will you take the good? Will you take the bad? Will you take them both? Because if you do…then there you have…the facts of marriage. And when the world doesn't seem to be living up to your dreams…"

"That's the _Facts of Life_ theme!" I was surprised to hear Jasper call me out on my plagiarism.

"Jasper? The rings?" I motioned him over to me. Jasper brought the rings over and handed them to Edward and Bella.

"Bella, repeat after me. With this ring I, Bella Swan wed you, Edward Cullen…"

"With this ring I, Bella Swan wed you…" I could see the tears forming in her eyes. "…Edward Cullen…" She slipped the ring onto his finger.

"Very good. Gold star." I winked. I looked at Edward. "Okay, Edward…repeat after me. I, Edward Cullen…"

"I, Edward Cullen…"

"Am a loser…"

"Am a…what?" Edward snapped out of his trance and glared at me.

_Ha! I almost had you!_ I laughed internally. "I, Edward Cullen wed you, Bella Swan."

"I, Edward Cullen wed you, Bella Swan." He slipped the ring on her finger.

"By the power vested in me by the wonderful internet and the Jesus plastered website ordain-yourself-today dot com I now pronounce you vampire and wife."

I nodded at Seth and he hit the play button again. "Mrs. Robinson" came on. Alice cheered as Bella and Edward kissed.

"May I introduce to the room…Mr. and Mrs. Edward Cullen." I put my hand on Edward's shoulder and grinned. "And may I say, Mrs. Cullen, you've put on a little weight in the tush area." I smacked him on his ass and then dashed across the room.

"Emmett!" he exclaimed in surprise.

"Mazle tov." I smirked.

"You're married!" Alice kissed Bella on the cheek.

"Yeah, congratulations." Rosalie nodded.

_Little more feeling, darling,_ I said sarcastically in thought. Edward smiled in appreciation, but his face totally said, "Too bad you're a puss who won't say that outloud."

"Are you two ready to share your first dance as husband and wife?" I was standing next to Seth. He was having a difficult time not laughing at the song I'd picked for their first dance.

Edward and Bella hugged each other closely and got ready for their romantic dance in the spotlight.

"Hit it, maestro." I looked at Seth.

He hit the play button for the last time, and their official wedding song came on. Everyone in the room started giggling except Edward.

"What is this, Emmett?" Edward frowned.

"You wanted your first dance to be memorable."

"The chicken dance? I am _not_ doing the chicken dance!"

"Oh, come on, Edward, lighten up." Alice started doing the chicken dance. She forced Jasper to do it. Edward took a moment to shake his head at my lunacy and then started dancing with everyone else. Bella was as relaxed and loose as I had ever seen her.

But she was back to being nervous and jittery the day of her formal wedding. We entertained the guests while Bella got ready. Edward made his way over to me.

"So, big day," he said. He was nervous as hell, too, but he wasn't as up front about it as Bella.

"Relax, bro. This one's all for show, remember?" I tried to put him at ease. If I needed to I could always sick Jasper on him.

"Don't you dare." Edward shook his head.

_It's either have Jasper calm you down or steal some drugs from Carlisle's stash and give you a shot in your ass._

Edward laughed. I smiled. I liked to see my brother happy.

He smiled back at me.

"You know, Bella told me that you pointed out everything that she loves about me in your smartass vows," he said. "Thanks, Em."

"Don't go getting all girly on me, man," I teased him.

"Do me a favor?" he asked. "Go say something idiotic to Bella to make her feel better."

"I get it. Send in the clown." I laughed. Edward nodded.

I made my way to where Alice had stashed Bella in her wedding dress. She was nervously pacing the floor when I came in the room.

"Why so nervous, Bunny?" I chuckled as I walked in. "Haven't you done this all before?"

"What are you doing up here? Why aren't you down there pestering the guests?"

"I was sent on a very special mission to pester you." I looked at her trembling hands. "And I'd say that I'm just in time. Why don't you just relax?"

"There's so many people here. What if I trip?"

"Edward will catch you." I was certain.

"What if one of the houseguests loses control of their thirst with so many humans being here?"

"Edward will stop it."

"What if…"

"Let's just skip to the end: Edward is not going to let anything go wrong. Today is your day."

"But I'm just so nervous. I'm worried with so many different species in the same room…"

"Would you stop focusing so much on what could go wrong? Today is your wedding day. Today is the day that you will stand in front of your friends and family and tell them how much you love your husband."

Crap, I hadn't wanted to do this sissy thing. I sighed and decided to let my inner-girl out for a moment.

"Bells, you are the light of my brother's life. Before you came along he was like this…moping cat or something. But the moment he first saw you I saw life return to him. He has waited an eternity for you…" I glanced at the clock "…so, don't make him wait any longer…"

"Thank you, Emmett," she said as she took my hands.

"It's almost time for your dad to come walk you down the aisle," I said. "You nervous?"

Bella shook her head.

"There's no possible way that the second wedding will be as bad as the first." Bella grinned.

"Ouch. That's cold, sis." I walked towards the door. "I'll see ya downstairs in a few…"

"By the way," she said as I reached the door, "I'm telling Edward."

"Telling him what?"

"I'm telling him what a sweet, loving, and thoughtful brother he has."

"We have another brother?"

"I'm talking about you, smartass..."

"Ugh, don't soil my reputation." I walked out of the room laughing.

Shortly after that I watched Edward and Bella stand in front of their friends and family…and lie to their faces…because they were already married…by me. I grinned throughout the whole wedding knowing that the two of them were merely putting on a show for the rest of the town. I teased Bella about it when I stole her away from Edward to dance with her.

"You're a liar."

"And you're a doofus," she teased me back.

"Welcome to the family." I twirled her around.

"Can I have my wife back now, please?" Edward cut in.

A few more people danced with Bella before Edward eventually got her back. I had Alice drag me out on the dance floor because Jasper was too shy to dance in front of so many others. Alice and I were dancing next to Edward and Bella.

"I'm so happy for the two of you," Alice said.

"Alice, when you saw the wedding, did you envision it anything like this?" Bella asked.

"Well, Seth was blocking the view of the first wedding," she admitted. "And since he's also here now he's making my vision somewhat cloudy. I…" She paused and cocked her head. Everyone in the family knew that look. She was confused by a vision. She looked at Edward and frowned. "Now _you're_ using Seth to keep me from seeing your future?" She gave him an irritated look. "What is with this family and secrets?"

Edward had a very serious look on his face. It was the same look he got when he was focusing intently on someone's thoughts. After a moment his face loosened up.

"It's not Seth." Edward frowned. He glanced at his wife and then a small smile formed across his face. He twirled her around a few times and they danced their way outside. I heard him mutter something about a surprise wedding gift as they danced under the stars.

I sniffed the air. There was a foul odor that was getting closer. I watched as someone came through the trees. Hells Bells. Someone had gotten Jacob Black to come to this party after all. Looks like Bella had gotten everything she had wanted. I smiled as I watched her cute little human face light up in excitement. I loved to see people happy.

"Ohh, Emmett…" I heard Rosalie walking towards me.

Speaking of happiness…I was about ready for some of my own.

"Hey, babe." I grabbed her in an embrace.

"What do you say we sneak away and have a honeymoon of our own?" Rosalie nibbled on my ear.

I pulled back and looked at her. This woman had married me six times. And the love I had for her had never wavered.

"I love you." I kissed her.

"I love you, too," she said. "Now take my clothes off…"

I looked at her mischievously. Twenty years couldn't come soon enough. In fact, it was too long of a wait. I was going to ask her to marry me again now.

"Rose, marry me," I leaned over and whispered in her ear.

"You have to promise me that you won't make the chicken dance our wedding song."

I raised my eyebrows and smirked. Oh, I couldn't _wait_ to marry this woman again. The ideas were already spinning around in my head…

**A/N: I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who takes the time to read the things that I write merely to entertain myself. I've found that writing is the healthiest escape from reality that can be used. And sometimes after having a sad workweek writing quirky little things to make myself laugh is just what I need. I hope that I provided you with a few laughs, too. ;-)**


	3. Author's Note

**A/N:**

Ah, fanfiction, the first time I was able to get my chicken ass to show my writing to others. First of all, I just want to tell all you wonderful readers and reviewers thank you for giving my writing a chance. I have always been a writer. I'm pretty sure I came out of my mother with a pad and a crayon. Over the years I traded my crayons in for pencils, and then keyboards as my writing grew. I was always protective of my stories. Too protective. Fortunately, the two friends I showed my writing to encouraged me to get it out there. I was still too nervous, so my Twilight-centric friend inspired me to write about Twilight, thinking it would loosen me up (Side note: It MORE than loosened me up!). I was like, "Sure, okay," with a giant grin on my face. She had no clue I was going to parody her Godlike vampires. Plus, I knew she was right about me loosening up a little bit. I thought, "What's more fun than fanfiction? Sure, you've never written fanfiction in your entire life. You don't even know what fanfiction is. Maybe you should do a little research about it. Nah, research is too much damn work. Just wing it. Oh, wings. I like wings. Wait, what was I thinking about again?"

Turns out that mocking Stephenie Meyer's book by writing, "The Dawn Was Already Broken" and then "Leah's Sunrise" was one of the best decisions of my life, because it made me realize that people actually liked reading my writing. To be completely honest I was convinced that maybe three people would read my story. Low and behold, I had a few more than three hits. And because of your encouraging, and sometimes not so encouraging reviews, I was able to get over my fear of putting my writing in public. So I wanted to thank each and every one of you for giving me the balls to publish my own novel.

Yes, here begins the self-promotion. I started on a story ten years ago titled, "The Barking Mad Tale of a Teenage Werewolf" (I know, what's my thing with werewolves, right?). The story turned into a series of novels, the first of which I have officially published as an ebook (sadly, it seems as if the paperback and hardback days are slowly dying. Borders closing their store doors. Barnes and Noble, I'm sure is not far behind). But the world of online writing is thriving! "The Barking Mad Tale of a Teenage Werewolf, Book one: An American Werewolf in Idaho" is now for sale on Amazon in the Kindle book store as well as a paperback.

If you liked my fanfiction I hope you will take a look at the first two novels in my series: **The Barking Mad Tale of a Teenage Werewolf**

**Book one: An American Werewolf in Idaho**

**Book two: A Tale of Two Shih Tzus  
**

I promise unforgettable characters, a lot of laughter, and hell of a storyline. The series is based around wise-cracking werewolves, non-sparkling vampires, a dash of love, and a journey of self-discovery.

_Being a teenager is hard. It's even harder when you're part wolf. Cassie Hill has always had trouble fitting in. She's not smart enough to be in the book club, not emo enough to be in the goth club, and not glamorous enough to be in the girls with 'tudes club. But when she starts waking up in the middle of the woods with little memory of how she got there she learns she belongs to a club many people don't know about._

_She discovers a world filled with secrets, corruption, and a wacky pack of werewolves who spend their time playing dare or dare, placing ridiculous bets, and fighting crime. But she also discovers that being a werewolf isn't all fun and games. In between the laughter and fun she and her family stay busy protecting the town and investigating suspicious murders. Just when Cassie thinks she has her life balanced a new boy moves to town. She is instantly smitten with him, but when she gets to know him she finds out he is harboring secrets of his own. She wants to believe the best in him, so the internal battle between her intuition and her heart clash. She digs for answers about him, but the more she digs the more she discovers about her past. It is only a matter of time before the lies in her life start to unravel. Nothing in her world is as it seems. Can she find the courage to follow her heart?_

You can check it out on Amazon, and check out some sneak peeks on Facebook under the name Katella Stegmann (or like me on Face book). It's Facebook/AnAmericanWerewolfinIdaho. I also have a preview of the book on this very site.

If you like it, tell your buddies!

Thank you guys again for all of your listening skills!


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